Depression is a motherfucker.

Depression is a motherfucker.  Yeah, I could have thought of a more eloquent adjective, but the thing about the blues is that you are so busy trying not to succumb to feeling low that you don’t have time for thesauruses.  You might get distracted from your original purpose and spend two hours down an internet rabbit hole searching for the etymology of the word, “loblolly.”  Trust me, it has happened. Another thing about depression is that it’s already telling you that everyone already hates you, so why not throw in some curse words to…

Unhooking Yourself

“I stand in the way of the things I can be.” ― Moby This week I drove to Lake Fayetteville for a run, and as I pulled out my phone to start my running playlist, I saw an email notification with the first few words of a message.  In the few seconds I took to read it, I felt criticized and irritated.  I didn’t bother reading the whole message, but the half-sentence I glanced at was enough to convince me that someone was attacking me. I was hooked.  When I say hooked, I’m referring to how…

Hearts and Minds Yoga

“Have you ever thought about opening up a studio?” That is one question that usually makes me cringe.  Being around a several studios in various stages of birth, life, and death, I know how much work they are to manage.  It also seems like you can’t have that conversation about opening a space without getting into those murky, soul-sucking conversations about “branding” or “target demographics.”  In the age of high-end yoga spaces with amenities like showers, mat storage, free filtered water, and freshly laundered hand towels, I wasn’t…

One Eye on the Goal

“When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path.”  – Zen proverb When I was six, I was hospitalized for a tick-borne illness, and I was unable to walk for sometime.  When I was better, my doctor had me demonstrate my run for him.  As little six year old me trotted happily down the hall, he leaned in to my mother, “Has she always run like this?” She nodded, “Yeah, that’s how she runs.” “Very clumsy child.” And while that probably was…

Bury or Heal

“All beings are Shiva, in relative degrees of self-concealment or self-revelation.” – Christopher Wallis from Tantra Illuminated A few months ago, I did my usual early morning shuffle into the bathroom.  I bent down to pull the bathroom scale out of it’s hiding place only to find it wasn’t there.   I panicked.  My husband must have moved it, but where?  I could have asked him, but that would require admitting that I had needed to see that damn number.  Nah, let’s tear the apartment apart instead.  Quietly, while he slept…

5 Reasons You Need Private Yoga Lessons

When you think of the words, “private yoga instructor” what other associations come to mind?  Unaffordable? Only for people that are way fancier and richer than me?  For a long time, I thought private yoga lessons were for people who thought they were too good to “be with the masses” in a regular drop-in class…that is until I had my first private lesson.  When I did take one, I honestly wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner.  I had a person’s undivided attention and a whole hour where I…

There’s No Cure for Menstrual Rage

“The truth is, women are people and should be treated as such, with time out for physiological interferences…” – Amy Vanderbilt, Amy Vanderbilt’s Etiquette (1952) Do you remember those drug commercials for Sarafem, a “new” treatment of PMDD?  (That’s pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder.  It’s like PMS…but…well…worse.)  I remember the commercial featured a woman trying to pull a stuck shopping cart out of a line.  Her face was in a frown and her jaw was clenched as she tugged and pulled.  While another lady…

Helplessness Blues

Lately, I’ve been thinking of that poster that hangs in a lot of elementary classrooms: “Before you speak: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” This election touched a big nerve with me, as it did for a lot of people regardless of political beliefs, and I’ve been doing a lot of breathing and sitting on my hands the past few months.  When I spend more than two minutes on social media, I get the strong desire to educate the masses.  Yet, I also feel complete helplessness.       When I reflect on the…

NamasDON’T

About a year ago, I had received an Instagram message from Namascray (you know, “the crazy in me honors the crazy in you,”) asking me to be a brand ambassador.  I’m sure they send out a hundred of these per week, but in the moment, I felt like Sally Fields accepting her Oscar, “You like me!  You REALLY like me!”  After the initial five second self-esteem boost wore off, my mouth began to turn downward.  Someone thinks I should be an ambassador for honoring crazy?  I didn’t know whether to be…

It Has to Be

“When disturbed by negative thoughts, opposite (positive) ones should be thought of.  This is pratipaksha bhavana.” –   Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, 2.33,  J. Carrera In 2008, my dad was laid off.  He was just another victim of the economic crunch that year.  His company, involved in cotton trade, laid off a lot of the “old guys” in order to cut costs.  After I found out, I called him although I was uncertain as what to say.  After a few minutes of awkward small talk I could tell that he wasn’t going to…